On The Verge of Tears

Half a year.  What a difference.  We end Summer in anticipation of harvest.  It’s time to relax, time to enjoy what we have, time to enjoy family and friends.  Because others don’t have nearly the life we get to enjoy.  Others don’t even get to laugh, to smile, to be together.  Often, we take it for granted.

And Autumn sets in.   It’s odd we have such a reverence for the beauty of dying.  But we all know things end.  Leaves fall.  Life dies.  We learn to relish the beauty of inevitable end.

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As things get colder, things sometimes seem stranger.  Unusual and unexpected things can happen in the dark.  Things you never even knew were possible.  And sometimes they can scare the shit out of you.  It’s odd that I’m afraid of the dark.  Always have been.  Ever since I can remember.  And even more ironic that I now work in a pitch black dark room for a living, alone, isolated with my thoughts of what might take hold of me.

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sometimes it can really freak me out.  I know the movies I watched when I was younger were just entertainment.  All fun and games, right?   It’s not really happening.  But for some reason, I took things too seriously.  I believed those things might happen.   Something or someone might grab my ankle as I lay in bed one night.  And that would absolutely give me an immediate heart attack.

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So I try to remind myself it’s all an act, it’s all for entertainment.  People get hurt, but at the end of the story, everyone gets up unfazed.   Everything is still fine.  No one really gets hurt.  And we get to do it all over again next weekend.  Next movie in my life.

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The end of Autumn comes and permanent changes set it.  The cold inevitably arises.  But there are always traditions that make us all feel warm.   Like a family.  That always makes loneliness feel fleeting.  We’re all together…and happy.  So nothing could harm us anymore.  So, together, we look forward to the holidays, the new year, and amazing memories that have yet to be made with each other.

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And things are warm.  But winter storms arrive.   Things shut down.  We end up stuck at home, isolated from the world.  We don’t even want to go out into the frozen world outside.  It’s just easier to stay in bed all day.  Alone, in the dark.   That’s where it’s safe.   We can ignore the outside world, the reality of bad weather.

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But I don’t ever believe that Spring isn’t coming.  It will always be warm again.  Storms come and go, but the seasons never end.  You can’t turn back time.  There are no U-turns.   Instead, you move ahead, convinced that Winter will only last so long, that things will be brought back to life and are only temporarily frozen.   More memories will be made.  More pictures will be taken.  More blogs will be written (cause that’s what makes me feel normal).  More good times to remember together.  I have to convince myself that we should never be afraid of the dark.  I have faith that there will always be light after darkness.  Such brightness.