On The Verge of Tears

“I have a powerful urge to communicate with you, but I find the distance between us insurmountable.”

Just opened an old journal for the hell of it.

She asked me to tell her three interesting things about myself.

Those were her first words to me, which were

half true interest and half protection of her friend.

I told her I killed a man, to shut her up, but she held on.

This week, we folded up her couch and disposed of it.

The bed she had built in her room could no longer be removed.

We had to dismantle it to get it out

of her apartment and New Jersey.

The rest of it went in bags and memories and were left unlabeled

perhaps never to be found again.

She said, in my arms, “it was nice knowing you.”

I hesitated, and replied simply, “you too.”

I was led to believe, not by forecast but with my eyes alone, that we wouldn’t see the blood moon full eclipse, and had written it off while I watched a glowing box inside my house instead of waiting for a light to go red and dark in my backyard.

But, halfway through the event outside, we discovered that the view wasn’t a total loss, and after a few minutes of eye adjustment and awe, I decided to find my camera, my tripod, and instead of using my cel phone to take pictures, took these instead.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I’ve not written in a while.  It’s not a lack of desire.  I’ve been busy at work trying to make others value me and the work that I strive to make perfect for others.  I’ve been attempting to make my home an amazing refuge for me and Monika and all our friends and guest.  I’ve been dealing with health issues and work issues and personal issues for….well, I guess like maybe all of us, forever.

There’s a feeling when you’re hungry, when you don’t have time for breakfast, and you miss lunch, and your stomach grumbles, and by the time you finally have time to eat…you’re not hungry anymore.  You’re body finally gives up and forgets about food.  It finds something else to do.  It finds another source of nourishment.

That’s how this week has been for me.  I had a tough week at work.  I arrived early and stayed late most of the week, and then was told that I’m allowed no overtime and was accused of somehow planning this so I could (was forced) to leave early on Friday.

My computer update made my financial documents inaccessible, and the backups I had were also corrupt.  After spending hours on the phone with customer support, I’ve realize I’ll just bite the bullet and rebuild everything from scratch.

I was low on gas, and when I stopped at a gas station and filled up, my “check engine” light turned on, and my ailing car might cost me even more money to keep alive then it costs to just buy a new one.

Last night, after an resolution that I need to stop bringing my work frustrations home, which I find difficult because I dream about them, we decided to just watch some TV.  The main audio from my stereo receiver decided to fail, and as I tried to troubleshoot the problems, Monika fell asleep.

I gave up for the night, and grabbed my tablet to try to relax.  It froze, and the restart got caught in a circle, and eventually drained the battery.

I decided to go to sleep though my insomnia told me otherwise.

Just hours after finally falling asleep, I was awoken by the sound of my cat choking on a hair ball at 5 in the morning.  He threw up all over my couch, and the blanket I was sleeping under.  I couldn’t fall back to sleep, and though I wanted to take the day off today, my boss disappeared yesterday before I could ask him for the time, and I just got up and to work.

At this point, my anger was spent.  I had none left. It’s all good.  I moved on.  I was finally past fighting it.  All those things can be fixed, can be resolved, can be forgotten, are the little things in life.  It’s just a job.  It’s just a computer.  It’s just a car.

Last night I helped my best friend move a heavy-as-hell desk into his house and up a set of stairs.  I slept on the couch with my wife of nearly 6 years.  I came to work today under protest, but took a half day.

My back hurts, my cat puked, and I had to work today.  And I”m so happy for all of those things.  I get to go home tonight, and I’d do all of it again.  I have friends, a family, a job.

Many times, I’ve found, you have to starve for good news, and get a lot of bad news, to finally realize how much we must appreciate the small things in life that are really the most important.  The things that really matter.

One more thing:  I also got news this week that my friend’s father died.  I didn’t know him well, but I know that he was a good man, companion, father.  My heart goes out to his whole family who I hope have time to rejoice for the time they had with him.

And with that, I leave you with this:

Most times you don’t know how things in life will start.  They’re not planned, you don’t expect them and you cannot anticipate them at all.

But adaptation get us through a lot, and preparedness for anything at all that might come our way can bolster our fortitude. Stubbornness gets you pretty far, in my opinion.  Furthermore, I don’t think faith gets you shit.

Perhaps the hardest part is knowing how things will end.  So, maybe they don’t have to.  Can things just be left on hold…forever?

“this is really bad, greedy planning…so now it’s almost done…because as soon as he un-pauses he will lose, and really, the only winning move is not to play.”

Why do people only show forgiveness, when they’re trying to sound cool in a song?